It's okay to let go.

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us; A memoir. New York:NY, Washington Square Press.

Reyna used books as an escape and a refuge. She was no longer in ESL classes but still felt self-conscious about her accent and her name and anything else that made her seem different than her American peers. She fantasized about the lives of the characters she read about. She identified with the mother of a book that featured a neglectful mother. Those characters actually made her feel better because they had it worse than her and somehow that was a comfort. After her heart was broken, books were there for her, even when no one else was.

Books were also a window in a world she never knew and a mirror of her own life. Through her mentor, Diana Savas, Reyna discovered books with characters that looked like her and had lives that were similar. This awakened in Reyna a new understanding and the knowledge that she was not alone.

Reyna also feel in love with writing. Like music, the writing took away her accent. She discovered she was a good writer and even won a writing contest in her school.  She hoped that this accomplishment would make her father proud, but “making my father proud had turned out to be impossible” (p. 242).  Writing became her avenue to higher education and she became the first in her family to graduate from college.

Mago dropped out of college to pay off her debts, but then got pregnant and got married. Carlos dropped out of college because he fell in love and now had a family to support. Reyna’s romantic relationships were fraught with her tendency in her youth to be attracted to men like her father – who did not fully accept her.

Her relationship with her father continued to be violent and conflicted but she ultimately was able to give forgiveness. Sometimes she would think that when she was little, The Man Behind the Glass was a better father than the man she knew. She has asked, no, begged to come with them to America so a part of her thought she was getting what she deserved. It wasn’t his fault that it wasn’t all that she had hoped for. After all her disappointments though Reyna continued to want to please him and desired his acceptance of her above everything else.

It took the support of one teacher to make all the difference in Reyna’s life. She encouraged her, protected her and even lived with her. Diana is a huge influence on who Reyna became – more like a parent than she’d ever really had.

Diana Savas:

“Just because we’re illegal doesn’t mean we can’t dream”

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us; A memoir. New York:NY, Washington Square Press.

Book 2: Chpts 1 – 12

After a harrowing trip across the border to El Otro Lado, Mago, Carlos and Reyna began a new life in their new country as a new family. Their father and Mila owned a fourplex in Los Angeles and they crowded in one of the smaller units but were together. All but one: Juana refused to give Natalio Betty’s birth certificate and unfortunately, she was left behind in Mexico with her mother.

Life was different in Los Angeles. The siblings had access to television unlike they had in Mexico but the kids did not play on the streets and the mothers did not sit outside gossiping with their friends.  Reyna felt conflicted, but the possibility of being away from Mago and the opportunity to have a better education kept her hopes rooted in America.

The first day of school as a fifth grader was a life changing experience for Reyna. Imagine entering a world where you do not understand the language and not everyone can understand you. The night before, Natalio threatened his children with sending them back to Mexico if they brought home anything less than perfect grades so the stress, both internally and externally, was immense.  He told them the reason he brought them to America “to get an education and to take advantage of all the opportunities this country has to offer” (p. 166).

Reyna’s first American classroom experience was pure disruption and distraction. Her teacher was Mrs. Anderson, and she spoke a little Spanish, but she also had an ESL teacher, Mr. López. Within minutes of being there, her whole identity is challenged as Mr. López tells her that she can only use one of her last names because “That is the way things are done in this country” (p. 172). She goes from Reyna Grande Rodriguez to Reyna Grande and the part of her identity that comes from her mother is erased.

During class, Mr. López starts to teach her, and a few other non-English speaking students the alphabet.  They sit at a table in a corner doing their instruction at the same time as the rest of the class. They are not allowed to speak loudly for fear of distracting the rest of the class, but what about them? The stress she has put on herself is so great that even after the first day, when she was unable to learn the entire alphabet in one day, she feels like she has disappointed him. She feels like she owes him something and her way to pay him back “was to make him proud of my accomplishments, because they would be his accomplishments, too” (p. 173).

Mexico was the only home she’d ever known so it is not surprising that even though she was in a place she had dreamed of, Reyna still wished for home. She missed playing outside. Small things like pigeons resting on a roof, a cup of hot chocolate, and a whistling midnight train would remind her of home. But she was determined to learn and determined to make her father proud.

Juana was not always a good mother, and although their relationship was conflicted, Reyna loved her, as would most children. Her stepmother, Mila, was a steady presence in her life and did a decent job taking care of the three children that had been unexpectedly thrust upon her. But their relationship was conflicted too. Once Reyna called her “Mamá Mila” when coming out of anesthesia and Mila corrected her and told her to just call her Mila. Ouch! But Mila may have her own reason’s for not wanting to get close to the children. Mila was an enigma to them and over time they find out that behind her pretty clothes there is a sad tale. When Mila met their father, she was also married and had three children of her own. Her family shunned her for leaving her husband and children for this new man. Her ex-husband grew tired of the children and “dumped them at Mila’s mother’s house” (p. 180). Mila’s mother fought for custody of Mila’s children, and won. However, Mila never gave up the fight for her children which is different than Reyna’s perception of her own mother’s fight for her.

When the children lived in Mexico, their father was a mystery: “The man behind the glass.” Reyna and her siblings could affix any ideals and traits upon him as they pleased and made him larger than life. The man they currently lived with was also a mystery.  They did not really know him and were a little bit in awe of him sprinkled with a significant amount of fear. He definitely did not know them.

Natalio did not allow for the children to do any wrong, unfortunately, they did not always know what that was. Culturally, there were so many differences and Reyna and her siblings had no reference. The children were beaten for making a phone call and not knowing there was charge. Mago’s entrance into womanhood was met with a beating due her father’s “beat now, no questions” policy for missing school. The children regularly got spankings for offenses they were unaware of. And while his punishments were harsh, he could be gentle. When Reyna got lice again, she was terrified to tell him for fear of him sending her back to Mexico. He responded gently and spent two hours delousing and washing her hair. It was a memory she treasured.

Reyna was very observant. She watched her older siblings navigate through middle and high school and the added complications of peers and romance.  She saw when her sister became heartbroken over a boy who did not like her because she was a “wetback”. Her brother also experienced heartbreak because he had crooked teeth and the girl he liked, Maria, started a fight with Mago because Mago defended him when he was caught staring at her. Mago wins the fight, but Reyna fears bad luck and is cautious.

The juxtaposition of education and her father is a significant factor to Reyna’s academic development.  Reyna’s father was only allowed to stay in school until he was 9 but he had a fire in his heart for his children to be academically successful. He truly sees education as an equalizer, as their way out of poverty and on to independence. He tells them “School is the key to the future” (p. 227) and has high expectations for them.  All of these hopes and dreams for them hum loudly through Reyna as she makes her academic progression.  When she does not win a book writing contest, she and the other ESL students are told by Mr. López that their books were still good, but Reyna, under her breath, says “Just not good enough” (pg. 218).  The desire to make her father proud is flamed and Reyna becomes determined to write a book that wouldn’t be rejected and would make her father proud.

After he is mugged and then there is a shooting outside their home and man is shot steps away from where Carlos had been playing, Natalio becomes determined to learn English himself. He saw it as a way out: learn English -- get a better job—move to a safer place.  Reyna reflects on this as she says “my father’s desire for a better life was palpable. It was contagious. It was one of the things I most respected about him” (p. 237).  

Mila and Natalio got married at some point in 1987 and he began to work on green cards for himself and the children (Mila was already a naturalized citizen). President Reagan had approved an amnesty program in Nov. 1986 and Natalio saw this as way for them to “stop living in the shadows” (p. 229).

There hopes were nearly dashed when Natalio went to Mexico after learning about his sister, Tia Emperatriz, had stolen his dream house. While he had lived on El Otro Lado for over a decade, he still dreamt of his house that he had built. Tia Emperatriz finally got married but her husband was older and poor. Natalio had allowed her to live in the house, to maintain it, but he did not own the land and Emperatriz convinced their sick and frail mother to sign over the deed to her. He is furious and attempts to get it back, but his dream of returning to Mexico one day is dashed. When he returns to America, he is broken and so are his dreams of making a better life for himself by learning English.

In the middle of 1986 their father tells them that their mother is not in Mexico, but in Los Angeles, living downtown. She has left Betty in Mexico and now has a new baby “not three months old” (p. 220).  Natalio is angry when they ask about going to see her stating “Don’t you kids have any pride?” (p. 220). Although he tells them she didn’t care about them, it’s their mother, and it is complicated.

Mago writes home and eventually learns through a letter that Tia Guera and the now five-year-old Betty are coming in the summer. Ironically, by bringing Betty, Guera would have to leave her own daughter, Lupita, which only expands the cycle of leaving children behind.  

It took some convincing, but Natalio eventually allows the children to visit their mother, if only to see Betty. The children are horrified by where their mother lives. Homeless people and winos line the streets. Mago says “If I didn’t know any better, I would think we were back in Mexico” (p. 222).  They discover that their new brother is named Leonardo and that Rey is the father. Rey is 15 years younger than Juana and was only 21 when they first met.  

The children confront Juana about not contacting them or coming to see them but she explains that she wanted to give the kids “a chance to get to know your father, and for him to know you, without me coming between you” (p. 224). Reyna and her siblings understood what she was trying to say but did not believe her. Reyna said it was the lowest point in their relationship with their mother. They were not 2,000 miles away from her anymore, but the emotional distance was just as far. Their mother did not “make space” for them in her life, however she never stopped hoping that Juana would change.

Through this enlightenment, they began to see Mila more positively. And while they were initially jealous of Betty and Leonardo getting to eat junk and fast food, they appreciated Mila and their father later for not allowing them to eat it when both Betty and Leonardo became extremely overweight!

Mago was first person in their family to go to high school and their father took her to buy clothes to celebrate. He could not buy Carlos and Reyna anything because the lawyer fees from his divorce from Juana and green card applications were expensive. Reyna did not understand this. She was further distressed because as a third child, she would never be the first to do much of anything. It made her determined to be the first at something – something that would make her father proud.

Little did she know just a few days later she would be the first at something: playing an instrument. She was placed into band and discovered a new passion in music. She selected the Alto Sax. She liked playing music because it didn’t require her to speak English, or Spanish. She didn’t need to speak at all – “just play” (p. 232). Her father was excited for her. He had wanted to be in the color guard when he was in the 6^th grade but had to quick school at age 9 to go work in the fields. He never got to play the drums again. And worked ever since.  Reyna “played for myself and for my papi [sic], who never got another chance to play anything” (p. 233).

There is so much in these chapters, about love and hope; rejection and fear. Our parents want so much for us and we, even despite ourselves, want to please them. Natalio is correct in thinking that education was their key to freedom.

Below is a great graph of educational attainment of immigrants, children of immigrants and natural born children. Children of immigrants attain almost the same education level as natural born children. 

https://www.brookings.edu/research/a-dozen-facts-about-immigration/

Please God, give me wings.

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us; A memoir. New York:NY, Washington Square Press.

Chpts. 10 - 20

I can only imagine how Reyna felt when she saw her mother, looking “like a TV star” (p. 70) after two and a 1/2 years. Excitement, surprise, joy, uncertainty, anger, shyness - probably all at the same time. The feeling of being "rescued" by and reunited with this woman, who at some level, was just someone in her memories and dreams, must have been overwhelming. Furthermore, she met her 15-month-old healthy American sister, Elizabeth, or Betty as everyone called her. Being displaced as the baby of the family had to have had some emotional consequences and Reyna had to be reluctant to face them. Finally, with their mother’s return, the family moved to another part of town, to a place more desolate than where they had been living, but with decidedly more love and affection. All of this had to fill her with a rush of thoughts and emotions that a 6-year-old probably could barely manage.

It seems Juana (aka Mami) had returned home because Natalio, her husband and the children’s father, had suddenly left her for another woman. Juana had feared her husband would leave her for a blonde-haired beauty, but he left her for a “paisana” from Mexico who was a naturalized citizen of the United States. Mila was educated and could speak English, while Juana only had a sixth-grade education and could not grasp the new language. The separation was violent. Juana “kidnapped” Betty from the babysitter and Natalio chased her down with a gun. The gun “accidentally” went off and a bystander was shot. Fortunately, the man did not die but Natalio was deported. He was back in the U.S. as if nothing happened within the week, while Juana returned to their hometown in Mexico with Betty and a broken heart.  Of interest, Reyna talks about the reason Juana fought so hard for Betty, to the point of risking her life. Juana did not want another woman raising her daughter. I’m sure this point is lost on Juana but struck deep within Reyna.

Reyna also reflects here about her father’s intentions: Did he really set out to kill her mother? These thoughts about her father further complicate her feelings about him even as an adult looking back. She did not hear the full story until she was a young woman, but the brief story she heard as a child created a loyalty to their mother, if only for a brief time.

Despite their poverty and their housing conditions, Reyna and her siblings felt more love in that little shack than they had in years, unfortunately, it was not from their mother. Not too long after she had her returned, their mother abandoned them again, this time for a traveling wrestler who took her away and she left the children again with a grandparent. Fortunately, Abuelita Chinta was not like their other grandmother and was a kind woman who obviously loved her grandchildren even if she did not have a lot of money to provide for them. The shack was just a room with sections separated by curtains. Their Tio Crece slept from a hammock suspended from the rafters. The children were still dirty and covered in lice, but their hearts were fuller than when they were with their Abeula Évila’s. The dirt road they lived on was an evening playground for all the children. The community was safe and everyone looked out for each other.

Their lives were not without difficulty. In fact, their challenges were great. Illness, floods, a creepy uncle and a lack of significant income made their lives a daily struggle. Reyna knew others had it better, but she also knew some had it worse. I love how she is able to be positive and see beauty in a situation that others only recognize as despair.

School was a constant for them and they were encouraged to excel. Mago especially had goals to do well in school and become a secretary. Carlos alone was allowed to miss school for employment purposes. Mago and Reyna were not.  After Betty was severely burned and required expensive medication, Mago was able to get a job working at the train station selling food to passengers. Mago benefited not only in getting money but also by getting to eat the leftover food that wasn’t sold. It was never a question for her to miss. At one point there was an opportunity to squat on some land and only Carlos was allowed to stay to protect the land. It was not only because he was a boy, but because it was important that the girls go to school.

Juana returned home again after she and her wrestler boyfriend had a car accident. Juana only had cuts and bruises, but Francisco, and her way out of the “sorrow and fear that threatened to engulf her every waking hour,” died (p. 121). Forced to go back to the shack, she was a shell of the woman she had been. Betty did not know her and Reyna, Mago and Carlos were cautious to be sure. After Abuelita Chinta gave her a cleansing, she became more of herself.

As could probably be predicted, their mother left them again. This time, just across town to live with her sister. She stated that it was better for them because she would not have to spend as much on transportation, but in truth, she got to escape the poverty and the children. Juana was good about giving the family money for food and came every Sunday, but four times a month is not a lot of time to visit with your children. Reyna remembers that “my mother’s constant comings and goings wouldn’t let me forget her. Instead, they increased by longing for her even more” (p. 131).  

Throughout it all, the children idolized their father. They had not seen him in 8 years, yet he was still this magical figure, “the man behind the glass,” whom they dreamed about. They imagined how his return would be – “with lots of clothes, and toys, and a brand-new bicycle for me” (Carlos, p. 105). If they doubted his return, Reyna did not convey that. They had placed all their hope on him because they had lost their faith in their mother. Reyna stated that her father’s memory “had become a wisp of smoke” (p. 130) but she still thought of him as a savior. On the night of her graduation after she was teased about a boy being her hero, Mago said “Papi will be my hero. He will save me. Save us all” (p. 140). 

Their father did return. Natalio brought clothes and toys, just as they dreamed he would. He also brought his new wife. But he too was a stranger. The children felt a range of conflicting emotions, much like they did when their mother first returned. But the children also felt something they had not felt in a while: hope.  

------

For my photo: Mago uses the song "Querida" by Juan Gabriel to try to explain her need to her father in a letter to him.  While it is about a woman, "the root of the feelings were the same" (p. 140). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ygd6af7Bso

¿ME AMA MI MAMÁ?

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us; A memoir. New York:NY, Washington Square Press. 

The relationship between mother and child is probably the most complicated to understand. When we think of the word “mother,” and all that represents, we tend to think about a woman who is the person who gives life, who is caring and loving, and there for her children when they need her most. She is a protector, a champion and a confidant and friend. Darker images have also been associated with the word, particularly when the “mother” in question is neglectful, abuse, or absent.

Our multiple understandings of motherhood have been debated for as long as there have been mothers. In Genesis, Eve is the first mother, the mother of all the living. She is an enigma to be sure since she is the first of everything a woman could be (Fairchild, 2019). In Greek and Roman Mythology, there is Gaia/Terra who created the earth and Rhea/Cybele who is considered the mother of the Gods. In Christianity, there is no other idealized mother than Mary, the virgin mother of Jesus.

Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst, Carl Jung described various archetypes, “images and thoughts which have universal meanings across cultures which may show up in dreams, literature, art or religion” (McCleod, 2018). Edinger in 1968 described Jung’s theory as such:

The Archetype of the Great Mother, the personification of the feminine principle, represents the fertile womb out of which all life comes and the darkness of the grave to which it returns. Its fundamental attributes are the capacity to nourish and to devour. It corresponds to mother nature in the primordial swamp - life being constantly spawned and constantly devoured. If the great mother nourishes us, she is good; if she threatens to devour us, she is bad. In psychological terms, the great mother corresponds to the unconscious which can nourish and support the ego or can swallow it up in psychosis or suicide. The positive, creative aspects of the great mother are represented by breast and womb. The negative, destructive aspects appear as the devouring mouth or the vagina dentata. In more abstract symbolism, anything hollow, concave or containing pertains to the great mother. Thus, bodies of water, the earth itself, caves, dwellings, vessels of all kinds are feminine. So also is the box, the coffin and the belly of the monster which swallows up its victims.

Obviously, the concept of motherhood is complicated!

In her book, The Distance Between Us: A Memoir (2012) Reyna Grande describes her early childhood in Iguala, Guerrero, Mexico and her complicated relationship between her mother and her family in the 1980s. Just a few weeks before her 30^th birthday, Reyna’s mother left her,  her 8-year-old sister Maga and her 7 year-old brother, Carlos, with her paternal grandparents to go to “El Otro Lado,” the Other Side, where her father was living and working in order to raise money to build them a home back in Mexico. Her mother told four-year-old Reyna and her siblings that she would only be gone for a year. Reyna had already not seen her father for 2 years when he went to “El Otro Lado” so when would her mother return? Little did she know that it would be 2 ½ years before she would see her mother again.

During those 2 ½ years, Reyna, Mago and Carlos lived under the roof of their Abuela Évila. The children did not have their own room, but shared space with their Abuelo Augurio, Évila’s husband. Évila had kicked him out of their shared bed to “make space for her favorite grandchild,” Élida, who came to live with her earlier (p. 14). The three children shared a twin bed with Mago against the wall because she was immune to the scorpion’s sting, Reyna in the middle so she would not fall off and Carlos on the outside because he frequently wet the bed. At age 8 ½ Mago had been asked by their mother to be a “little mother” and she eagerly complied.  She tried desperately to follow the rules and manage her siblings’ behavior but that is a heavy burden to place upon a young girl.

Abuela Évila was not a kind woman towards the children and she very definitely favored Élida. She would spend hours washing and brushing Élida’s hair to make it shine. When it was discovered that Reyna and her siblings had lice, their Tia Emperatriz (an unmarried aunt who lived with them as well) started to go to the store to get lice treatment, but their Abuela made them soak their hair in kerosene instead. She told the children that if they took the towels off their heads, which were itching and burning because of the treatment, she would shave off their hair. Only Maga was able to keep the towel on her head and Carlos and Reyna had their head shaved the next morning.

Abuela Évila tormented the children in other ways. Although is assumed that their mother and father sent money for food, the children got very little to eat, while the grandparents, aunt and niece got the lion’s share.  The children wore rags and did chores around the house while Élida sat around and watched tv and ate all day long. For Élida’s quinceañera, their Abuela made everyone’s clothing. When she got to Reyna, she made her dress inside out, shiny fabric on the inside, and refused to fix it for her. Reyna was sad and embarrassed that her dress was so obviously made the wrong way yet was forced to wear it.

Élida was also left to live with her Abuela while her mother went to “El Otro Lado,” and it is not mentioned who her father is. I am curious about her perspective about these three young cousins that came to live with their grandparents for the same reason she did. However, she was pampered and spoiled while the other children were kept dirty and made to do lots of hard work. She would hurl insults at Reyna and her siblings like arrows and say mean things about their mother. But she was likely just as sad because her mother left her not once, but twice in Mexico as she back to America, the second time with her younger American brother. I am sure she was hurt and angry, just as her cousins were. She just had more power. As an adult, what is she like? Who did she become? What are her memories of this time?

There was such a disconnect between the three kids and their mother after she was gone for so long that when she sent presents of clothing to them, nothing fit. It was as if the mother remembered them as the small children she left and not capable of growing while she was gone.  Reyna describes “the distance between them was destroying their relationship” because their parents did not know their own children (p. 57).

The children had moments of hope during that time. Their father sent money and workers to the lot next to his mother’s home to start building a brick house; the house of his dreams. We are offered a little foreshadowing when Reyna tells us that “if only he had realized he was making a mistake building a house on a property that was not under his name” (p. 59) but this is not something that has been realized yet in this first section of the book. The house is only partially built before the money runs out, but Reyna looks to this 1/2 build home as a future with her father and her mother back with them in Mexico. 

School was an escape for Mago. She was bright and desperately wanted to go to school and learn. Carlos and Reyna do not have such positive experiences. Reyna’s first days in school were tortuous as she is left-handed and the teacher would hit her when she used it instead of her right hand.  She never knew it was an issue, in fact her mother had told her it was a gift, but when she got to school, she learned otherwise. Her Abuela Évila would tell her that “the left hand was the hand of the devil and I was evil for using it” (p. 50). Reyna also wanted to learn, but she also did not want to get beaten for using her left hand. She held her own and was defiant in her use of it. She never mentions him hitting her again, but she provides imagery of “el maestro making his way toward me, his ruler going up and down, up and down” as she reached for the pencil in her left hand (p. 54).

Their Tia Emperatriz was as close to a mother that they had during that time. She was always as kind as she could be to them, despite the influences of their Abuela Évila. She comforted Reyna when she was bit by a scorpion and stood in their mother’s place on Mother’s Day at school.  I am sure it was difficult for a 6-year-old little girl to wrap her heart around a woman who, while kind to her, was not her mother. When Reyna and her siblings discovered Emperatriz had a boyfriend, they began to distance themselves from her, particularly Mago, believing that their Tia would only break their hearts and leave them alone with their Abuela and they did not want to get their hearts broken again. Reyna was resistant to letting her Tia too far into her heart because she believed that either Emperatriz would leave them for a husband, or their mother would return and they would go with her. Which would it be? However, when they finally did open up to her, giving her flowers and cards for mother’s day, Emperatriz was very appreciative. But of course, the story does not end there.

Edinger, E. R. (n.d.). C. G. Jung. Retrieved June 25, 2019, from https://www.capt.org/using-type/c-g-jung.htm?bhcp=1

Fairchild, Mary. (2019, June 17). Meet Eve: First Woman, Wife, and Mother of All the Living. Retrieved from https://www.learnreligions.com/eve-mother-of-all-the-living-701199

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us: A Memoir. New York, NY: Washington Square Press.

McLeod, S. A. (2018, May 21). Carl Jung. Retrieved from https://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-jung.html