Please God, give me wings.

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us; A memoir. New York:NY, Washington Square Press.

Chpts. 10 - 20

I can only imagine how Reyna felt when she saw her mother, looking “like a TV star” (p. 70) after two and a 1/2 years. Excitement, surprise, joy, uncertainty, anger, shyness - probably all at the same time. The feeling of being "rescued" by and reunited with this woman, who at some level, was just someone in her memories and dreams, must have been overwhelming. Furthermore, she met her 15-month-old healthy American sister, Elizabeth, or Betty as everyone called her. Being displaced as the baby of the family had to have had some emotional consequences and Reyna had to be reluctant to face them. Finally, with their mother’s return, the family moved to another part of town, to a place more desolate than where they had been living, but with decidedly more love and affection. All of this had to fill her with a rush of thoughts and emotions that a 6-year-old probably could barely manage.

It seems Juana (aka Mami) had returned home because Natalio, her husband and the children’s father, had suddenly left her for another woman. Juana had feared her husband would leave her for a blonde-haired beauty, but he left her for a “paisana” from Mexico who was a naturalized citizen of the United States. Mila was educated and could speak English, while Juana only had a sixth-grade education and could not grasp the new language. The separation was violent. Juana “kidnapped” Betty from the babysitter and Natalio chased her down with a gun. The gun “accidentally” went off and a bystander was shot. Fortunately, the man did not die but Natalio was deported. He was back in the U.S. as if nothing happened within the week, while Juana returned to their hometown in Mexico with Betty and a broken heart.  Of interest, Reyna talks about the reason Juana fought so hard for Betty, to the point of risking her life. Juana did not want another woman raising her daughter. I’m sure this point is lost on Juana but struck deep within Reyna.

Reyna also reflects here about her father’s intentions: Did he really set out to kill her mother? These thoughts about her father further complicate her feelings about him even as an adult looking back. She did not hear the full story until she was a young woman, but the brief story she heard as a child created a loyalty to their mother, if only for a brief time.

Despite their poverty and their housing conditions, Reyna and her siblings felt more love in that little shack than they had in years, unfortunately, it was not from their mother. Not too long after she had her returned, their mother abandoned them again, this time for a traveling wrestler who took her away and she left the children again with a grandparent. Fortunately, Abuelita Chinta was not like their other grandmother and was a kind woman who obviously loved her grandchildren even if she did not have a lot of money to provide for them. The shack was just a room with sections separated by curtains. Their Tio Crece slept from a hammock suspended from the rafters. The children were still dirty and covered in lice, but their hearts were fuller than when they were with their Abeula Évila’s. The dirt road they lived on was an evening playground for all the children. The community was safe and everyone looked out for each other.

Their lives were not without difficulty. In fact, their challenges were great. Illness, floods, a creepy uncle and a lack of significant income made their lives a daily struggle. Reyna knew others had it better, but she also knew some had it worse. I love how she is able to be positive and see beauty in a situation that others only recognize as despair.

School was a constant for them and they were encouraged to excel. Mago especially had goals to do well in school and become a secretary. Carlos alone was allowed to miss school for employment purposes. Mago and Reyna were not.  After Betty was severely burned and required expensive medication, Mago was able to get a job working at the train station selling food to passengers. Mago benefited not only in getting money but also by getting to eat the leftover food that wasn’t sold. It was never a question for her to miss. At one point there was an opportunity to squat on some land and only Carlos was allowed to stay to protect the land. It was not only because he was a boy, but because it was important that the girls go to school.

Juana returned home again after she and her wrestler boyfriend had a car accident. Juana only had cuts and bruises, but Francisco, and her way out of the “sorrow and fear that threatened to engulf her every waking hour,” died (p. 121). Forced to go back to the shack, she was a shell of the woman she had been. Betty did not know her and Reyna, Mago and Carlos were cautious to be sure. After Abuelita Chinta gave her a cleansing, she became more of herself.

As could probably be predicted, their mother left them again. This time, just across town to live with her sister. She stated that it was better for them because she would not have to spend as much on transportation, but in truth, she got to escape the poverty and the children. Juana was good about giving the family money for food and came every Sunday, but four times a month is not a lot of time to visit with your children. Reyna remembers that “my mother’s constant comings and goings wouldn’t let me forget her. Instead, they increased by longing for her even more” (p. 131).  

Throughout it all, the children idolized their father. They had not seen him in 8 years, yet he was still this magical figure, “the man behind the glass,” whom they dreamed about. They imagined how his return would be – “with lots of clothes, and toys, and a brand-new bicycle for me” (Carlos, p. 105). If they doubted his return, Reyna did not convey that. They had placed all their hope on him because they had lost their faith in their mother. Reyna stated that her father’s memory “had become a wisp of smoke” (p. 130) but she still thought of him as a savior. On the night of her graduation after she was teased about a boy being her hero, Mago said “Papi will be my hero. He will save me. Save us all” (p. 140). 

Their father did return. Natalio brought clothes and toys, just as they dreamed he would. He also brought his new wife. But he too was a stranger. The children felt a range of conflicting emotions, much like they did when their mother first returned. But the children also felt something they had not felt in a while: hope.  

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For my photo: Mago uses the song "Querida" by Juan Gabriel to try to explain her need to her father in a letter to him.  While it is about a woman, "the root of the feelings were the same" (p. 140). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ygd6af7Bso

¿ME AMA MI MAMÁ?

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us; A memoir. New York:NY, Washington Square Press. 

The relationship between mother and child is probably the most complicated to understand. When we think of the word “mother,” and all that represents, we tend to think about a woman who is the person who gives life, who is caring and loving, and there for her children when they need her most. She is a protector, a champion and a confidant and friend. Darker images have also been associated with the word, particularly when the “mother” in question is neglectful, abuse, or absent.

Our multiple understandings of motherhood have been debated for as long as there have been mothers. In Genesis, Eve is the first mother, the mother of all the living. She is an enigma to be sure since she is the first of everything a woman could be (Fairchild, 2019). In Greek and Roman Mythology, there is Gaia/Terra who created the earth and Rhea/Cybele who is considered the mother of the Gods. In Christianity, there is no other idealized mother than Mary, the virgin mother of Jesus.

Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst, Carl Jung described various archetypes, “images and thoughts which have universal meanings across cultures which may show up in dreams, literature, art or religion” (McCleod, 2018). Edinger in 1968 described Jung’s theory as such:

The Archetype of the Great Mother, the personification of the feminine principle, represents the fertile womb out of which all life comes and the darkness of the grave to which it returns. Its fundamental attributes are the capacity to nourish and to devour. It corresponds to mother nature in the primordial swamp - life being constantly spawned and constantly devoured. If the great mother nourishes us, she is good; if she threatens to devour us, she is bad. In psychological terms, the great mother corresponds to the unconscious which can nourish and support the ego or can swallow it up in psychosis or suicide. The positive, creative aspects of the great mother are represented by breast and womb. The negative, destructive aspects appear as the devouring mouth or the vagina dentata. In more abstract symbolism, anything hollow, concave or containing pertains to the great mother. Thus, bodies of water, the earth itself, caves, dwellings, vessels of all kinds are feminine. So also is the box, the coffin and the belly of the monster which swallows up its victims.

Obviously, the concept of motherhood is complicated!

In her book, The Distance Between Us: A Memoir (2012) Reyna Grande describes her early childhood in Iguala, Guerrero, Mexico and her complicated relationship between her mother and her family in the 1980s. Just a few weeks before her 30^th birthday, Reyna’s mother left her,  her 8-year-old sister Maga and her 7 year-old brother, Carlos, with her paternal grandparents to go to “El Otro Lado,” the Other Side, where her father was living and working in order to raise money to build them a home back in Mexico. Her mother told four-year-old Reyna and her siblings that she would only be gone for a year. Reyna had already not seen her father for 2 years when he went to “El Otro Lado” so when would her mother return? Little did she know that it would be 2 ½ years before she would see her mother again.

During those 2 ½ years, Reyna, Mago and Carlos lived under the roof of their Abuela Évila. The children did not have their own room, but shared space with their Abuelo Augurio, Évila’s husband. Évila had kicked him out of their shared bed to “make space for her favorite grandchild,” Élida, who came to live with her earlier (p. 14). The three children shared a twin bed with Mago against the wall because she was immune to the scorpion’s sting, Reyna in the middle so she would not fall off and Carlos on the outside because he frequently wet the bed. At age 8 ½ Mago had been asked by their mother to be a “little mother” and she eagerly complied.  She tried desperately to follow the rules and manage her siblings’ behavior but that is a heavy burden to place upon a young girl.

Abuela Évila was not a kind woman towards the children and she very definitely favored Élida. She would spend hours washing and brushing Élida’s hair to make it shine. When it was discovered that Reyna and her siblings had lice, their Tia Emperatriz (an unmarried aunt who lived with them as well) started to go to the store to get lice treatment, but their Abuela made them soak their hair in kerosene instead. She told the children that if they took the towels off their heads, which were itching and burning because of the treatment, she would shave off their hair. Only Maga was able to keep the towel on her head and Carlos and Reyna had their head shaved the next morning.

Abuela Évila tormented the children in other ways. Although is assumed that their mother and father sent money for food, the children got very little to eat, while the grandparents, aunt and niece got the lion’s share.  The children wore rags and did chores around the house while Élida sat around and watched tv and ate all day long. For Élida’s quinceañera, their Abuela made everyone’s clothing. When she got to Reyna, she made her dress inside out, shiny fabric on the inside, and refused to fix it for her. Reyna was sad and embarrassed that her dress was so obviously made the wrong way yet was forced to wear it.

Élida was also left to live with her Abuela while her mother went to “El Otro Lado,” and it is not mentioned who her father is. I am curious about her perspective about these three young cousins that came to live with their grandparents for the same reason she did. However, she was pampered and spoiled while the other children were kept dirty and made to do lots of hard work. She would hurl insults at Reyna and her siblings like arrows and say mean things about their mother. But she was likely just as sad because her mother left her not once, but twice in Mexico as she back to America, the second time with her younger American brother. I am sure she was hurt and angry, just as her cousins were. She just had more power. As an adult, what is she like? Who did she become? What are her memories of this time?

There was such a disconnect between the three kids and their mother after she was gone for so long that when she sent presents of clothing to them, nothing fit. It was as if the mother remembered them as the small children she left and not capable of growing while she was gone.  Reyna describes “the distance between them was destroying their relationship” because their parents did not know their own children (p. 57).

The children had moments of hope during that time. Their father sent money and workers to the lot next to his mother’s home to start building a brick house; the house of his dreams. We are offered a little foreshadowing when Reyna tells us that “if only he had realized he was making a mistake building a house on a property that was not under his name” (p. 59) but this is not something that has been realized yet in this first section of the book. The house is only partially built before the money runs out, but Reyna looks to this 1/2 build home as a future with her father and her mother back with them in Mexico. 

School was an escape for Mago. She was bright and desperately wanted to go to school and learn. Carlos and Reyna do not have such positive experiences. Reyna’s first days in school were tortuous as she is left-handed and the teacher would hit her when she used it instead of her right hand.  She never knew it was an issue, in fact her mother had told her it was a gift, but when she got to school, she learned otherwise. Her Abuela Évila would tell her that “the left hand was the hand of the devil and I was evil for using it” (p. 50). Reyna also wanted to learn, but she also did not want to get beaten for using her left hand. She held her own and was defiant in her use of it. She never mentions him hitting her again, but she provides imagery of “el maestro making his way toward me, his ruler going up and down, up and down” as she reached for the pencil in her left hand (p. 54).

Their Tia Emperatriz was as close to a mother that they had during that time. She was always as kind as she could be to them, despite the influences of their Abuela Évila. She comforted Reyna when she was bit by a scorpion and stood in their mother’s place on Mother’s Day at school.  I am sure it was difficult for a 6-year-old little girl to wrap her heart around a woman who, while kind to her, was not her mother. When Reyna and her siblings discovered Emperatriz had a boyfriend, they began to distance themselves from her, particularly Mago, believing that their Tia would only break their hearts and leave them alone with their Abuela and they did not want to get their hearts broken again. Reyna was resistant to letting her Tia too far into her heart because she believed that either Emperatriz would leave them for a husband, or their mother would return and they would go with her. Which would it be? However, when they finally did open up to her, giving her flowers and cards for mother’s day, Emperatriz was very appreciative. But of course, the story does not end there.

Edinger, E. R. (n.d.). C. G. Jung. Retrieved June 25, 2019, from https://www.capt.org/using-type/c-g-jung.htm?bhcp=1

Fairchild, Mary. (2019, June 17). Meet Eve: First Woman, Wife, and Mother of All the Living. Retrieved from https://www.learnreligions.com/eve-mother-of-all-the-living-701199

Grande, R. (2012). The Distance Between Us: A Memoir. New York, NY: Washington Square Press.

McLeod, S. A. (2018, May 21). Carl Jung. Retrieved from https://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-jung.html